Week 2 Day 5 & 7

I swear patients wait until the change of shift to code, and this was the third night in a row I was running off to some floor right as my relief walked through the door…Code Blue 90 Cardiac Step Down…While sprinting up the stairs, I was expecting to see a little old grandma or grandpa that was decompensating after cardio surgery when I walked into the room, so imagine my surprise

when I see a girl not much older than me laying there lifeless on the bed. The docs had just intubated her, and I quickly fell into the compressions, epi, shock routine that comes with any code. While jumping in on compressions, I remember overhearing her nurse say, “She asked for this. She brought this on herself…”

You see sis was admitted for having growths on her heart valve (endocarditis with vegetations) that developed due to her long history of heroin addiction. This time she overdosed while in the hospital curtsey of her sugar daddy, and his endless supply of percs and ativan. Forty-five minutes and 3 rounds of heart beat-no heart beat-heart beat later we were able to stabilize her enough to run our assses off to CVICU. The whole time I was praying she would stay with us. I quickly handed off report to the day shift, and went home with that mantra going through my head all weekend. “She asked for this. She brought this on herself”

By the time I went back to work, sis was wide awake and making progress, but still needed the ventilator to help her breathe. We started talking, and she was a nervous wreck. She finally decided she didn’t want to do this anymore. She wanted help. She wanted to be able to fight this disease. As we were talking (well her writing and me talking) about what her dreams were for her future she asked, “Have you ever used before?” That simple little sentence stopped me dead in my tracks. All I was able to mumble was, “everyone has their demons.” Even then I had no idea how true those words were for me. At this point I was convinced that my only problem was alcohol. I believed the weed and opiates were just for fun. I convinced myself that I could stop those whenever I wanted.

Old timers say that we can always tell who the other addicts are, that there is an aura we can automatically sense in them. They say that even though our backgrounds and journeys are completely different from each other we all have the same disease. We are all consumed by the “getting and using and finding ways and means to get more” (Who’s an Addict, NA).

This is something I have been struggling with a lot lately. There is still a little part of me that thinks I’m not an addict. That I can take control and stop whenever I want to. I just don’t want to. I mean I’m a nurse. I know what these drugs do inside and out. I know my limits. I know the signs of OD’ing, so even if that was close to coming true I could get help before I actually OD. Fucking denial. As I’m going to more meetings though, it scares me how much I can relate to these people. These addicts. I’m scared at how fast the little part of me holding on to the idea of, “I’m just having fun” is disappearing. However, I also know I don’t want to be laying there on the hospital bed as my co-workers take care of my body muttering the same thing, “She asked for this. She brought this on herself.”

…

Week 2 Morning 7

Last night I finally broke down, and realized how much of a fucking idiot I have been. For these past 2 weeks I have been skirting around the idea of being an addict. It’s one thing to say it and go through the motions, and it’s completely different to accept it and decide to do something about it. I’m so happy I didn’t dip out on the meeting that night, because we focused a lot on what the first step, “we admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable” (12 Steps, NA) was all about. I thought I already passed this step by admitting that I am an addict even if I didn’t quite believe it entirely. However when I finally grew some balls to ask M to be my sponsor, I realized how much that little step actually entailed. I told her I’d do what ever she wanted me to if she thought it would help me through this process. I had the open-mindedness, and now I’m willing. I just need to work on the honesty to help me push forward…