Week 0 Day 1

Code Blue 90. The little old grandma in 3 is coding, the victim of Q-on-T syndrome brought on by Sotalol. Everyone rushes in while you start compressions. With each push you feel her ribs breaking one by one. You know this is one feeling you will never get used to. Thankfully you soon catch a grimace on her fragile face, and yell stop she’s back! However, just as quickly she is gone again. Grandma continues this dance, going in and out, three times. She’s now in sinus, and holding her pressure with a little help from some Levo. You clock out feeling a high from being able to give this little old lady more time to make memories with her sweet, strong husband. Somehow though, this high is not enough

There is always this unsatisfying urge to push it farther. Before entering school my drug of choice was alcohol. Then marijuana was added to the combination, and I felt amazing. I thought nothing could beat that high. It was both euphoric and calming. Suddenly all the little things did not matter, and I was able to enjoy everything around me. Then in nursing school I got pyelonephritis. The pain was unbearable, and I got my first prescription for percs. Like any addiction story goes, it quickly became a problem. One I didn’t realize until my supply ran out. I broke down, and decided to see a psychiatrist and therapist. However, my battle with addiction would continue even with this help. Soon any opiate became okay, and I quickly developed a constant craving. Who would have known I would soon cross lines I once never thought imaginable. Ones that could easily ruin everything I busted my ass off to achieve. Then everything changed within the blink of an eye.

Two weeks ago V (my therapist) drop the bomb on me. INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT PROGRAM. What the hell? I’m not the kind of person that needs rehab. Come on be serious. That’s only for addicts who ruin their lives because of what they must have. I still wake up every day for work, and bust my ass off completely sober. How I spend my free time should be up to me. I’m being safe. I know my limits, and use FDA approved opiates not that crap on the streets. I pleaded my case to V on our next meeting, and then she caused everything in me to stop. I suddenly felt closed off from my surroundings hiding deep within my soul, while feeling this sharp, burning sensation was cutting into my heart. She told me she knew I was diverting. That even though I never said anything she knew what was really going on. That was the moment I broke, and really did agree that I needed the extra help.

Next week I enter a local outpatient program. Up until today I haven’t been able to fully accept that this is what I truly need. I saw L today (she’s my psychiatrist), and I told her about how I finally decided to take this leap. Then she literally yelled, “ YES!!” while clapping her hands. I know she’s happy I’m doing this, but her enthusiasm still hurt. It just made it sink in a little more that this is what I have to do. I was embarrassed so when she asked when I last used I told her 2 weeks. She said all right so let’s take a pee test, because she needs to know what drugs I’m using to help with her treatment plan. Commence crisis mode. My face always gives me away. I told her I couldn’t, because I would be positive for opiates. I pleaded for her to give me a chance to get sober before she made me take any test. I couldn’t believe she gave me a second chance, and couldn’t be more thankful.

I still have to wait a week before I start the program though which completely sucks. I know it’s not the smartest thing, but I have been treating this week as a last hoorah. As of this moment I have just finished all of my opiates, and I’m praying this will be the last time. I am really going to give this whole treatment a try.

I’m completely terrified about starting this whole new journey. I tried searching the web for anyone else that is battling this on a daily basis, but couldn’t find anything. There was plenty of literature saying that 1 out of 5 nurses are addicts, but I couldn’t find anyone that shared the obstacles they face on a daily basis. I searched numerous forums and nurse addiction websites. If anyone finds someone blogging about this issue please share the site with me. I would really appreciate it!

I didn’t intend to have my first post be so long, but now you know a little about what lead me here. Maybe by sharing my experiences I can help someone else. All I know is it feels better when I just write everything out. As soon as a thought pops into my head, I start writing. I just let it flow out of me. That’s when I really start to learn a little more about myself.

Sending good vibes,

Addict RN